notes on the way to Varanasi: a few additional reflections
me and not me
I feel I must be changing a lot but hardly feel enough space and distance to understand any of the hows and whys. I only know that I have some feeling of insecurity like: who am I? does anyone still need me or love me? maybe I have lost all my relationships and I will come back to nothing… even my relationships here seem adrift and I have a feeling of being all alone. I am aware that the person who I thought was me is leaving and I have to re-understand how to be me in the world only I don’t know who me is yet. it is difficult to take care of myself on this trip, but then I realize I don’t really know how to do that?
the kids
I have such a deep and incredible admiration for my children on this trip. absolutely everything is unfamiliar to them: the food, the culture, the clothing, the language, the landscape, the heat (we sweat through the day then sweat some more, although Matthew is quick to point out the weather has actually been really quite mild for India… we aren’t even close to “India heat”), the way their bodies are behaving, mosquito bites and other bugs, they are moving constantly from place to place. all they have is their parents, uncle, each other, and mediation… and yet, they remain open, present, in awe, and taking it all in. they complain so little! of course, we all have our moments on this trip, but I really am amazed by them.
my brother
wow. he is constantly thinking about us and our experience. arranging, making plans, negotiating, thinking of what is next, what would make us most comfortable, give us the best experience, all of our needs (ordering specifically for the kids, thinking of David working out and internet, trying to stick to the budget, trying to cover the list of wants I gave him and hitting each one) in addition to giving us an incredible experience of India. plus he is handling all the money so we don’t have to even think about it. he has been unbelievable and the whole thing is such a gift for our lives. he notes even the smallest desires we may have and tries to manifest it, all the time within our slim budget.
david
completely out of his routine and away from what is most important to him (exercise, his business, comfort, routine) he is hanging in there, staying present, wearing a skirt when he has to, being available in every way needed. it is not easy for him, this trip, and yet he is open, observant, experiencing. at times stressed, but still, hanging.
kochin
forgot to write about the awesome Kathakali performance we saw. plus a martial arts demonstration that was amazing. also lots of Christians and Muslims here, much more than I expected… don’t know what that means (to me) except that it is interesting and wonderful, in a way, to see a Christian church popped up in the middle with Krishna right next door.
Varanasi: morning of the first day
yes, cars have been added. electricity with it’s tangled wires. cell phones. plastic. concrete.
and yet
this is the “untouched” India I was excited about. actually, “untouched” is completely silly… this place has been “touched” for centuries by people from every religion and race across the globe. touched by dead bodies of billions, by the ganga since it has existed, by centuries upon centuries of pilgrims and invaders. touched by Shiva, as this is his home. touched by all of the great Rishis who have come here to speak, including Buddha.
by untouched, then, I only mean that here are homes made from cow dung. cows wander the streets with goats, pigs, dogs, and cars. oxen pull cars, men pedal bicycle rickshaws. vegetable stands on carts roll alongside modern appliance stores. people bathe in the ganga, every morning, 60,000 per day, cook with dried cow dung, pee by the roadside. women wear burkas alongside women with sarhis. monkeys everywhere roam the buildings.
the streets are utter chaos. I tell the kids they are required to attach themselves to an adult any time we set foot from our apartment (our little oasis with a view of the ganga—I wake this morning to see the sunrise over it). this morning Eliana and I (the early risers) watch monkeys at play outside our window.
the noise. the incredible intensity.
day one begins.
Varanasi: day 2
you know when you have an experience of God and then you try to describe it after? you say: it was “profound” or “intense” or even “beautiful” or it “changed my life” and you end up feeling like everything you say is trite and doesn’t come close to describing what it is like.
try to describe Varanasi.
home of Shiva, infinite silence. morning sunrise, people bathing in Ganges, pouring milk over Shiva Linga at the Temple where he manifested as a column of pure light. hub for spiritual seekers the world over, sadhus.
utter wildness. cows lying in the street standing in the lanes, four no five no six lanes of traffic every which way. alleyways that wind and wind and wind so that you have no concept of which way you are walking or which way to go. tiny rooms opening from the alley where people: sell, live, cook, repair shoes, sew, any thing you could think of. cricket games around every bend motorcycles weaving in spaces with people and no room. intensity, dirt, dung, smell of piss and incense, noise, and yet
everyone easy. living amongst each other. moving about their day.
sunset.
bodies burning, shaved heads, mourners.
puja to the ganga ma... being with Matthew means we are invited to sit on one of the front podiums and offer to the ganga as crowds looked on. one of Maharishi's top administrators shows us the temples and helps to organize the spiritual aspects of our stay.
Varanasi.
the third day we experience a yaga with 11 pundits. unbelievably powerful as our family makes a conscious intention to create the seed that invites nature to help us achieve our fullest potential.
9 days of mother divine begins.
then real Indian shopping and we all become pros at bargaining.
then we go.
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